Half Nelson Journal

“One always finds one’s burden again.” Camus described the plight of Sisyphus and Dan in one sentence. Do the lives of Sisyphus and Dan resemble each other? Yes, they keep finding their burden, or is it that their burden keeps finding them. Just when they think they have conquered their burden, everything starts all over again. It is a never-ending spiral that slowly engulfs them both.

Looking into someone’s life as they are going in a downward spiral is depressing, yet this movie made that journey even more depressing than necessary. I kept waiting for a little bit of hope, a spark of sunshine, but the stone kept rolling back from the top of the hill. In the story about Sisyphus there is the same anticipation, wanting a spark of hope and when the stone reaches the top of the hill it rolls back and everything starts all over again. One can imagine that Sisyphus finally reaches the top of the hill, takes a short break to wipe his brow, and in that instant the rock rolls backward to the bottom of the hill. In a similar way, Dan tries to break his drug addiction but there is always a weak moment when he goes back to the drugs. Not only does he go back, he also tries newer, stronger drugs. In trying the stronger drugs the addiction gains a greater hold on him.

Is it wholly Dan’s fault that he became addicted to drugs? It is a decision that he made within himself but it was a decision that his family helped him make. His parents definitely consumed liquor freely, probably turning the other way when he and his brother became drunk when they were younger. His mother did turn her back on him when he wanted to talk to her. What did he want to talk to her about? Was it about his drug addiction and the fact that he couldn’t control it anymore? Or was it because he was scared, he had almost raped a co-worker while in a drug-induced state? Did he still have his job as a teacher or was he fired? Many questions were raised in the movie that left the viewer to speculate.

Then enters Drey, a young girl at life’s crossroad with many difficult decisions, yet she does not communicate with her mother. Drey’s mother can be likened to Sisyphus because she is raising two children. The first child, her son Mike, is in prison because he sold drugs. When he is put into prison and the mother is probably despondent about it, her second child, her daughter Drey, becomes involved with Frank, the drug dealer, and starts to sell drugs as well. So there is no ray of hope with Drey’s mother, unless Drey decides to change her future by not becoming involved with Frank and selling drugs. Frank tries to open Drey’s eyes that her actions with Dan are inappropriate. The rides home in his car, going to his apartment, Frank can see a pattern developing where Drey can be physically taken advantage of. Dan warns Drey about Frank and selling drugs, how she should not become involved with his lifestyle. Drey is caught in the crossfire of both Frank and Dan, listening to both, ignoring both, choosing her own way. She definitely has fulfilled the old proverb that I had heard all through my high school years. “Sin is a monster of such awful mean, to be hated needs but to be seen. Seen to oft’ face to face, first we pity, then embrace.”

Back to Dan, the main character of Half-Nelson. He had a daily struggle, being a teacher by day, partying and drugs at night. Was that struggle enough for him? He definitely seemed to enjoy teaching and being with the students. In the beginning it looked like the struggle was enough until he tried the newer and stronger drugs. It was at that point when his ‘rock’ began rolling back on him. He lost control of himself and regaining control eluded him. He tried to obtain help from his family but they did not listen. His mother turned her back on him. I believe if he had focused more on his students and the book he was writing, he might not have lost as much control as he did. That is only a theory, and in reality the situation Dan was in may have progressed differently. Do I think the struggle was enough? In the beginning yes, but as the drugs grasped a stronger and deeper hold on him the students and his book were not enough. Sisyphus had acquiesced himself to the struggle. He knew the stone would be pushed up the hill and when he was at the top it would roll back down again. Dan did not have that certainty. He did not know what the future held for him. Sisyphus was happy in his plight, Dan was miserable. There is an amount of happiness connected with the certainty of the future.

Is the struggle enough for me? The daily plight of waking up, getting dressed, eating breakfast, going to work, coming home, eating dinner, studying, getting ready for an identical day tomorrow, and going to sleep. The struggle of balancing the checkbook, paying bills, trying to manage accounts, and somehow ‘get ahead’ of where I currently am financially. The struggle of balancing work, family, friends, and school. I use to think that it was enough until I read Camus and Johnson I started thinking how depressing life is in general, how life is an eternal struggle and there is no way to ease that struggle. Ordinarily I would say that the struggle was enough. But now I wonder if it is.

Is there more to life than the struggle for daily existence? When a baby chick hatches from its egg the process takes a long time. It is an ‘all or nothing’ struggle. If it is not strong enough to break free from its shell it will not be strong enough to survive the barnyard. Watching the process is interesting and can take hours. First the peeping through the shell, then a crack, the hatchling struggles and the crack becomes bigger. Then the hatchling is visible through the crack but it stops. Quite visible is its panting, and exhaustion. Perhaps at that time it is sleeping. It may even be contemplating whether it will see the light of day and be able to run around, free of its shell. Then, a few minutes or hours later, the struggle begins again. Pushing, peeping, struggling, and exhaustion until finally it is free of its shell. Does it get up and run around, excited about its freedom? No, exhausted and unable to exert more strength, it just lies there, resting. A few hours later the hatchling is running around, chirping, bumping other eggs, disregarding their struggle, happy to be free and soon to be starting a new struggle of search for food and water.

Is that how we are in our lives? We struggle, pushing our ‘rock’ up to the top of the hill, being excited about being ‘free’ only to see it roll down to the valley again. We push toward finishing high school, and then there is college. We push toward paying off student loans but we need a car. We almost finish paying for the car then we get married. Finally finish paying the wedding then children come along. Clothes, diapers, braces, doctor bills, vacations, and their college. When they grow up what do we have? A short breather before they get married. We help them establish their home, buy them furniture or appliances. As we recuperate from these financial blows we think there is a breath of fresh air, then grandchildren come along. Who could resist spoiling the little darlings with clothes, toys, and anything their heart desires? The struggle continues. When the rock is rolled up to the top of the hill, it comes tumbling back down. It is up to us to determine how we view the rock as it tumbles back down the hill. Do we see it as a setback in our life? Or do we view it in the light that we are growing, maturing, and entering a new stage of life? As Frankl said, we have our freedom “to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” It is our freedom to choose how we feel about the rock tumbling back down the hillside. So, even though it is depressing seeing it roll down the hill yet once again, may be it is a challenge to see how adeptly I can get the rock back up the hill yet once again.